| Up first was Geddy. Once given a tennis ball, she was completely willing to participate. LaNeige on the other hand, not being the type to be motivated by anything, was a little less enthusiastic. She just wasn't very down with the whole process and was reluctant to "donate her body to science". |
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| Either way, after a few treats and a stern talking to, we were able to collect some accurate data on the height, weight and distance between the eyes for each. With this information, and the help of a little graph paper and the most recent Vet report, we could now set up some ratios. The, through the magic of photoshop, we could properly scale in some possibilities. Here's what we got. |
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| So with the data now crunched and some ratio's set, It was time to break out the camera and start doing a little photoshopping. However, seeing how math has never really been my strong point, I was a little doubtful about the results. But to my surprise, the very first overlay attempt was dead on balls accurate. (it's an industry term). As you can see in the photo on the left, Geddy's eyes match up EXACTLY to the eyes of the garage door once blown up to scale. Amazing. Whomever had painted those eyes had nailed it down to the inch. I was very impressed, yet there was that little issue concerning the overall size. I was just not convinced on the plausibility of all this. But with the scale being so perfect, I decided to try a few more fits. |
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| "to scale" |
| Below are several "to scale" representations of what might be lurking behind those evil eyes based off the flawless ratios I've put together. After going through them, feel free to submit your own. I'll even email you the source file if you want to help out with the process. And while after having gone through all this I'm still not completely positive of what the owner of the garage door had in mind, I am pretty sure that if I was dumb enough to be fooled by these things, I would also be pretty fearful of the earth being flat, and the sky falling, and a full moon, and well.... you get the idea. |
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| In the interest of fairly ranking each recreation, I've also decided to throw in some highly subjective categories that should help cancel out any mathematical mistakes that I may have made. Please enjoy responsibly. |
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| Geddy : the dog |
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| height - 8' 2" seated |
| weight - 2,783 lbs |
| fear factor (1-10) - 4 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 1 |
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| While big dogs can be scary, Geddy is a golden retriever and doesn't scare anything but the occasional squirrel. Perhaps another breed would be more appropriate, but that might throw off the perfect D.O.B.A. eye match. |
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| As for the low plausibility score, I think the trio of monster tennis balls would make any potential intruder think they had eaten one too many bad mushrooms. |
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| LaNeige : the cat |
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| height - 9' 6" |
| weight - 1,798 lbs |
| fear factor (1-10) - 10 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 8 |
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Not having "interviewed" the owner/artist of the garage, I can't be sure what they had in mind when they painted the eyes on the door. However, due to the angle of the eyes and the distance between them, I am pretty sure they had some variety of cat in mind. And while LaNeige's "white and poofy" exterior may not be terrifying, she is fast. Furthermore, her newfound size, when |
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| coupled with years of being kicked around by me and the two girls, might put her into full on "payback" mode. Like my father-in-law has always said about cats - "remember, if they were any bigger they would eat you." Not a pretty thought, but one certainly capable of encouraging would be thieves in the area to just move on to the next target. |
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| Elaine : the baby |
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| height - 7' 5" |
| weight - 2,142 lbs |
| fear factor (1-10) - 2 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 0 |
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| While the math calculations place her at approximately the same height as Shaquille O'Neal, her head would be over 6 feet in diameter. That alone kills the plausibility of this particular scenario and explains why the rating is off the chart. As for the low, but on the meter, fear factor rating, it is really more directed towards the mother than the baby guarding the door. All I can say is "ouch". |
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| Squeaky : the latest dog toy |
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| height - 7' 0" |
| weight - 421 lbs |
| fear factor (1-10) - 6 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 7 |
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| On our most recent PetCo visit, Ava picked out this strange looking squeaky toy for Geddy to chew on this summer. It is basically a ball with some pointy horns and mickey mouse size feet attached, but has become one of the dog's favorites due to its "throwability". And while my initial reaction was that this item was too ridiculous to even be considered an option, once photoshopped, my opinion changed. |
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| Even when seen as "actual size", this item just strikes you as odd. I can only imagine how magnified that feeling would be, and the panic/terror that might ensue, if I saw one standing 7 feet tall in the driveway. Therefore, this inanimate object receives surprisingly high marks as an effective crime deterrent. |
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| Garden Owl : garden police |
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| height - 9'10" |
| weight - 379 lbs |
| fear factor (1-10) - 9 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 8 |
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| The effectiveness of the previous inanimate object got me thinking. How should be measure effectiveness against crime with this particular engineering marvel? Should it be judged solely on ability to catch a criminal, or should it be based on the ability to deter? Let's face it, you are way less likely to end up in a lawsuit if you just convince a thief to move along to the next house than if your cat decides to eat him. |
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| So with that in mind, I decided to try looking at a time tested proven deterrent - the family Garden Owl. Available at the Home Depot for about $14 bucks, the plastic Garden Owl has been doing for decades what the subject of this particular episode of engineering marvel is attempting to accomplish, serve as a deterrent. And as you can see, in the right light our plastic Garden Owl might indeed place a bit of fear in to pretty much anybody cold OR warm blooded. At the very least, it might make it hard to get anything valuable out of the garage anyway. |
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| Lego Man : in a space suit |
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| height - 12' 3" |
| weight - N/A (he's from space so he's weightless) |
| fear factor (1-10) - 2 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 2 |
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| I've always been a fan of lego's, but have never really seen them as scary. This example proves why. The 3 foot wide grin on his bright yellow face really kills any chance Mr. Space Man ever had at scaring anybody. Furthermore, the lack of opposable thumbs, knees and elbows also limit his mobility to the point where even if he was real, I'm pretty sure I could get away. |
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| Domokun : Japanese PSA icon |
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| height - 6' 3" |
| weight - 220 lbs (estimated) |
| fear factor (1-10) - 4 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 3 |
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| About the same height as rv.com staff member wmartin, Domokun is an interesting fit. With eyes positioned like a hammer head shark, his overall size is limited. Still, the massive mouth and razor sharp teeth might be a deterrent to anyone unfamiliar with this Japanese PSA icon's disposition. Not known for his carnivorous habits, this fellah is really just a cute little toy who teaches daily lessons on things |
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| like prudence and politeness. And even if you were totally in the dark on all this, I'm not totally sure just how he could harm you with those bean bag fists. |
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| Bunny : with pancake on head |
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| height - 8' 4" |
| weight - 448 lbs (depending on the pancake) |
| fear factor (1-10) - 2 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 3 |
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| I didn't buy the hour long explanation as to why Matthew Broderick was able to create those giant worms in that horrible Godzilla remake back in 1999, so I'm not going to buy into the concept that a giant bunny with a pancake on his head could be roaming the neighborhood. And frankly, even if it did exist, I think I'd be more scared of tripping over any |
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| of those "giant pellets" rabbits tend to make more than anything else. What a nightmare. |
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| Mustard Man : internet icon |
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| height - 15' 9" |
| weight - 1,644 lbs |
| fear factor (1-10) - 8 |
| plausibility (1-10) - 10 |
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| Plausible.. did I even mention that this garage door was in Mid-Town? I think I may have given this guy a dollar last week outside of Ike's. Anyway, while this particular photoshop didn't really work at all due to the location of mustard man's eyes (he'd be off the page basically if it were "to scale"), it was too good not to at least post. Besides, at this point we've pretty much thrown all the |
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| science out the window anyway, so why not. Clearly the most imposing figure of the entire survey, Mustard Man gets high marks all around for his deterrent ability. |
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conclusion |
| While the quality and plausibility of some of the "to scale" photoshops may have degenerated as we worked our way further down the page, the mathematical principals in place held strong throughout. To me, the "Willett Eyes" have rightfully earned their place in the Engineering Marvel archive. After all, which of the two "security solutions" in the photos below do you find to be more effective? Both are in our neighborhood, and both are intended to deter crime. I can't say for sure which one is more effective, but I can tell you which one sends me a bill each month. |
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-vs- |
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| Look, I've been robbed before, and I know this is serious business here in "Beautiful Crime Free Memphis Tennessee"... so save me that whole angle. I just think that sometimes the solutions people come up with are really more a part of the problem than anything else. And not that I'm one to talk with my massive wrought iron gate, attack dog, ridiculous security system, multiple fire arms and team of highly trained ninjas in the basement. I just think that at times, a simple solution can be the most practical. And THAT is why we should all marvel at the "Willett Eyes". |
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| So take a moment, make the trip over there, and let me know what you think. If I get enough user submission photos to make a gallery out of this, I'll be sure to post them for your enjoyment. Thanks for reading this far down. You may now freely about the cabin. |
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- 3/30/2007 12:53:23 PM
