Animal Cracker Politics |
The Left -vs- The Right |
| for years animal crackers have been one of my favorite snacks, and while there are many different brands available, my personal favorite are the Stauffer's Brand ones available @ wal-mart or costco in the big clear plastic gummi bear looking case with the red screw on lid. while this brand is not the "original" it has in my opinion the best taste-to-fat ratio. | ||
| below are scans of all 13 members of the Stauffer's family. the purpose of this study is to determine what political statement (no matter how subtle) the people @ Stauffer's are trying to feed us and our children. | ||
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| LEFT facing crackers |
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donkey | |
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despite its known lack of intelligence trait, the donkey was chosen as the official animal of the democratic party back in 1837. even more amazing is the animals stubbornness on certain issues in spite of its lack of brains as to how those issues work. therefore... of course this cracker faces left! | |
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bear | |
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this is the animal cracker is known for its anti-business trend setting. despite going into hibernation during the "it's the economy stupid" era, the bear has recently come back to life in the hopes of rallying not the market... but all the leftist liberals. |
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camel | |
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uhh, where do camels come from... exactly! no wonder it faces left. | |
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tiger | |
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this is much the same as the camel example so brilliantly laid out above... except it is a tiger and represents asia. | |
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hippo | |
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lets face it... the only time any of us have ever seen a hippo is at the zoo where they are just floating in a big cesspool of themselves waiting for some tax funded employee to throw them a free head of lettuce. in fact, i'm not so sure that this animal even exists in the wild! it is probably just some made up animal whose sole purpose is to get some group of people hooked on some made up service in exchange for a vote. seriously, has anyone ever see one outside the concrete and glass tubs we keep them in @ the zoo? of course he's facing the left. if it wasn't for the policies of the left he probably wouldn't even exist. | |
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house cat | |
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every house cat i've ever seen lives a posh life in a totally subsidized environment where their only job it to pretend to care about those they serve and only give enough to keep you coming back asking for more. if this animal was any more left it would have to move to france. | |
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U.A.C. | |
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dunno exactly what this blob of a cracker is... which still helps prove my point. the only thing we can tell for sure here is that this Unidentified Animal Cracker is looking to the left and appears to be fat. the reason for this is that this form of U.A.C. is pointing in the direction from which it gets all its free food in exchange for just sitting around in the cookie jar taking up space. |
| RIGHT facing crackers |
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elephant | |
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the elephant, with its size, strength and legendary memory, has been the symbol of the republican party since 1860 - and it's a good thing. you see, the elephant not only faces right out of political orientation, it does so out of necessity. it's easier to pull the entire left along for that little free ride they seem enjoy so much when you face that way. | |
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U.A.C. | |
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this right facing U.A.C. is unlike its left facing counterpart listed above in that it is the original. what probably happened is that the Stauffer's people had to deal with years of complaining from the left about how "unfair" it was that there was a right facing U.A.C. but no left facing one. it wasn't until the ACLU got involved that the Stauffers company caved in and just created one to make the left happy rather than face protests, boycotts and legal action. |
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cow | |
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the cow, as a representative of the traditionally conservative midwest, is a consistent worker that requires very little and yet consistently returns gallons of milk and dozens of fillets. |
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buffalo | |
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the buffalo, while a bit of a social elitist (most are members of a very exclusive club/herd made up of their kind and their kind only), is a strong animal not afraid to get behind a cause and follow all the way thru. when prompted with the proper guidance, this animal, along with the help of its fellow club members, can be a powerful force. | |
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rhino | |
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the rhino, as one of the few remaining dinosaurs on earth, has a firm grip on history and has learned from it. having beaten the odds of extinction by not following the ways and policies of all the other liberal dinosaurs, who pretty much use up all their natural resources and starved to death when they couldn't adapt to new market environment changes. the rhino truly is a survivor who holds his head high and proudly faces the right. | |
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deer | |
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the deer is a majestic animal that has served as the corporate symbol for some of America's most solid companies. enough said. |
| in conclusion, despite being outnumbered due to the left facing U.A.C. "throw in", the right seems to have a much stronger presence than originally thought. therefore, i am happy to say that Stauffer's brand animal crackers can remain one of my favorite afternoon snacks. however, this position could change if i ever decide to take the time and do a complete census on the sealed contents of future purchase of Stauffer's brand animal crackers and find there to be a major discrepancy. |
| thanks for reading, come back again soon. |
aj    - 8/15/2008 10:50:18 PMalthough i respect your research, (it is a feat to eat your body weight in animal crackers), and i too like this brand; i do have one correction to make: i think that it is a ram and not a rhino. laura hanlon |
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